Wrongful Birth Suits: A No Win Situation...

This article makes me sad.

Heartsick actually, on so many levels...

The article starts by telling us that the family are good people. They only sued their healthcare providers for the money.

I have also fought for the money to get appropriate healthcare, education and other needed services for my daughter who also has Down syndrome. I have advocated with school districts, legislators, agencies and more to get what my child needs.

Fortunately, we have never been in such dire straits that we would consider saying that we would have aborted her if only we had had the chance. We have always been able to build, craft, find or get what she has needed thus far. This family's situation is heartbreaking.

I feel bad that the statement made by the parents about wishing they had aborted their daughter was repeated throughout the suit and in the media... this child will know about this. And even if she doesn't, everyone around her will. That will be hard.

Knowing the way these high-profile events strongly reinforce society's outdated prejudices about disability is upsetting as well.

I'm reminded of Jerry Lewis's controversial telethons for the MDA. The telethons with their requisite tear-jerking, did bring in the immediate money the organization needed. But the high-profile telethons heavily sold the belief that people with Muscular Dystrophy and other disabilities are pitiable, incapable and just 'less.' Everyone with a disability lives in the shadow of those telethons. Societal barriers are by far the hardest part of disability--they affect access to schools, neighborhoods, employment, etc more than any other aspect of disability.

(And that lack of access is what drives people to hold these desperation events... a NOT-YET ending cycle...)

We work on awareness, stopping the R word, More Alike than Different campaigns, but one of these cases full of anger and tears moves us all back again...

Beyond all this, it is easy to see that healthcare providers who DO suggest abortions in cases of things like Down syndrome (where needs are not usually dire and improving every year) could also be sued and lose just as badly... since the 'appropriateness' of such a suggestion depends on the patient's subjective feelings about disability, not on objective data. (Many people actively seek out babies with Down syndrome to adopt--therefore Down syndrome is not empiracally bad.)

No one won... no one will ever win in these situations.

No Drive Through Life and Wrongful Birth

I have blogged before that many years ago when I was single, years before my daughter was born with Down syndrome, I believed--and told people--that I thought I would be fine if I ever had a child with a physical disability, but not a cognitive disability.

I have always pictured God hearing my little declaration and rubbing his metaphysical hands with glee. I picture God knowing that that that thing I dreaded would be one of the best gifts of my life. I picture the anticipation of my being surprised by joy I could not even imagine making Him smile the way I smile about the Christmas presents I have hidden for my loved ones...

When my daughter was born we had a few hours of shock and I was given a quick lesson on disability philosophy by a dear friend of mine who has CP, and another by the guy who answered the phone for our local DS group whose first word to me on hearing our news was, "Congratulations!"

Then we were on our way.

Having our third child meant all the joy and sleeplessness any new baby brings to a family.

That she has Down syndrome meant that and so much more. We were introduced to the parallel world of disability and all of the amazing folks who live there, we got to learn about and appreciate the hundreds of intricate steps involved in any piece of human development, we had to be resilient, we had to be creative, we had to learn new skills, we had to be intentional and 'attentional' about all manner of things we never even knew existed before.

Some things were easy and some have been very difficult. But I have indeed learned that things that are easy are often not as valuable as the things/relationships we must invest in.

We couldn't have a drive-thru life--we experienced the slow-food alternative. We have layers of complexity and relationship that have meant we must always engage with our life and as Robert Frost wrote, "That has made all the difference."

These opportunities for learning and growth have enhanced the lives of our whole family.

Beyond this, the things I have learned have given me the opportunity to give back--to share the things I am learning with others along the way. I have learned advocacy and public speaking and gained a sense of purpose that I never had before.

My husband and other children have benefitted as well. The common purpose of parenting a child with a disability has enhanced our family life on all fronts--the fact that Jenn is a great kid makes it fun too!

My older children have a sense of justice and an awareness of social issues and have had the opportunity to speak out in many forums that other kids their age have not. They have both taken an active role in helping Jenn learn and grow and the responsibility and maturity they have developed is already helping them at school and work as the begin to make their way in the world.

Last week a woman I met commented to me about my daughter with Down syndrome saying, "Well, sometimes we don't get the life we ask for so we just have to make the best of things..."

"Actually," I replied, "I have a much better life than the one I asked for--I wouldn't change a thing!"

She seemed very surprised.

I went home and told my kids about my conversation.

My daughter said, "How do people not get it?? I actually feel sorry for families who DON'T have a kid with Down syndrome!"

I laughed because, to tell the truth, so do I.

Now, I had this all written and that line was supposed to be the end until I read this article.

A family in Oregon is seeking big bucks from the doctors who did not diagnose their toddler's Down syndrome pre-birth. They state unequivocally that their daughter has changed their life and they would have aborted her if they'd known.

This article made me physically ill.

First of all I feel heartbroken for the family whose experience with their daughter has not been as positive as mine.

Secondly, it frustrates me that this story has made the news. My story about the positive impact disability has had on my life will never have the credibility with our ableist society as this family's story will because our society fears disability and WANTS excuses to opt out of dealing with disability and those who have them.

I know families whose experience with their typical children has been extremely unpleasant as well for various reasons, this isn't necessarily a disability issue, but disability will undoubtedly be blamed.

Thirdly, I am desperately saddened for that little girl and her siblings growing up in a town that knows that her family would have aborted her if they'd known her. Who will want to babysit her or be her friend? What will kids say to her and her siblings on the playground? And how will this stated need for perfection affect hers and her siblings' sense of security with their parents? I can't imagine any amount of money that would be worth the cost.

Picture from here.